


I cannot save us

by InvisiKath



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Depression, Desperation, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-25 09:32:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14974310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvisiKath/pseuds/InvisiKath
Summary: When the person you love the most struggles with mental illness and you can't do anything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea spinning in my head for a long time und finally tried to write it down. Even if there are several other attempts to close the gap between I want to believe and My Struggle I I'm glad I got it finally out of my head. Huge THANK YOU to my dear friend Jessahmewren for her support and encouragement and for being my beta.

Slowly Dana Scully walks to the hospital’s changing room, her back is aching horrible after this 7 hour surgery and her head feels like it is pulsating with the frequency of her heartbeat. A bath would be heaven on Earth now, but the shower has to be it. For now.

When she reaches her locker, she notices all the chats around her. Colleagues arranging meet ups for the evening or the weekend, planning birthday surprises for other team members or talking about sports. No one even notices her when she grabs her towel and shower supplies and heads to the shower. No one talks to her. No one asks her, if she would join them for an after work drink. 

The warm water of the shower eases the back pain and the headache vanishes bit by bit; finally, she thinks, before her mind jumps to the question if anyone would miss her if she didn’t return to work tomorrow. She is working hard lately and that’s valued by her colleagues, but she is isolated socially. Every gathering or party has been avoided due to the circumstances at hand.   
They weren’t on the run anymore when she started working here, but she had to hide the fact that she was still in contact or more precisely still married to Fox Mulder and living with him under the same roof.

Two years ago the FBI dropped the charges against Mulder. The moment they both dreamed of for so long. They made plans for the future and he wanted to start working again, but his brilliant mind couldn’t deal with the fact of doing the same things and tasks day in day out. He quit the first job. He quit the second job and he was fired from the third because he did not show up for a whole week. The only response to that was a shrug of his shoulders and he went back to his “office”, a small room in their house where he set up a desk, pinned all his newspaper articles on the walls like wallpaper. 

She turns off the water a lot more relaxed. Putting her towels around herself she goes back to her locker and starts dressing. Black Chantilly lace underwear she once bought, because he loved seeing her in it. Back then she was thrilled wearing it, imagining what could happen later at home, now it’s just a piece of clothing or a hurtful reminder of what they once had. Before he completely shut her out of his life.   
The black pencil skirt which ends just above her knees, the fitted emerald blouse and black blazer with her high heels serves as an armour. She looks perfect. Professional.   
With a nod here and there she leaves the changing rooms and elegantly walks to the parking garage where her SUV was waiting, ready to bring her back to the brutal reality and loneliness of her private life.   
The realisation and bitterness of loneliness and isolation was a very slow process. She never really needed anyone else before Mulder started drifting away from her and there are no friends left from their time in Washington. She is far too occupied with work. And with Mulder. 

While steering the car onto the highway she absently switches the radio on and without noticing she turns into the gravels path of their little house. Of course there is a flickering light coming from his office. As always the TV is showing the news channel and he is researching UFO sightings and other paranormal stuff. She knows that, before she walks up the few stairs of the porch and opens the front door.  
“Mulder I’m home,” she called. 

No reaction. 

The kitchen is a mess. Obviously he has cooked some pasta and tomato sauce. The pots still on the oven, sauce burnt in. Rest of the pasta dried and glued to the bottom. The box of the pasta and the wrapping of the sauce messily spread over the kitchen counter. With a heavy sigh she starts cleaning up the kitchen and pours herself a glass of red wine after she’s done and drops groggily onto the sofa. Friday. It is Friday.  
His office door opens and he heads to the bathroom mumbling a short “Hey Doc!” on his way back before vanishing again in his room.  
Discarding the idea of an evening with company she empties her glass and walks upstairs, getting ready for bed. 

She’s got the whole Saturday off because she’s leaving for a conference in Montreal on Sunday. If he knows that there is a whole free day to spent? Does he still care? Does he even know that she’ll be away for a whole week? 

Glancing to his empty side of the bed she climbs under the covers, making herself comfortable with the newest issue of her favourite medicine magazine. He won’t come to bed tonight. He hasn’t in a while. She can hardly remember the last time he touched or kissed her and she misses him so bad. Not only their physical relationship. Their talks, their mutual challenges, their natural synergy, all gone and replaced by loneliness and his delusion to find whatever he is searching for in newspapers, on tv, on the internet…

Her eyelids become heavier and she can’t keep her eyes open. It was an exhausting day at work, but she felt alive, she could make a difference in someone else's life with what she is doing for a living. With the glasses still on her nose and the magazine lying on her chest she falls asleep.

The bang of the wardrobe door and a mumbled “sorry” pulls her abruptly out of a dreamless sleep. Mulder is already on his way to the bathroom with fresh clothes while she is still panting from the sudden wake up. “Yeah, have a great morning yourself” she says more to herself while putting away the magazine and her glasses. 

The day is flying by with laundry, cleaning the house and grocery shopping for her highlight of the day: Cooking a romantic candlelight dinner and convincing Mulder with his favourite food to come out of his cave and spend at least the evening with her.

The Saltimbocca smells tremendously good, the candles are lit in the candle sticks when she knocks on his office door. He doesn’t answer, so she enters the room anyway and finds him crouched behind his computer.

“I cooked your favourite Italian food and was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me?”

“Yes, sure, why not.” he answers without looking up from his screen “I’ll be there in a bit.”

Almost ten minutes later he appears in the kitchen, sits down and starts eating. She watches him, but he’s deeply in his thoughts, not recognizing that she’s not eating, but watching him. 

“I told you I’m flying to this conference in Montreal tomorrow....”

For a few seconds he stops scooping his food into his mouth and stares at her. “Hm..okay.” he mutters and continues eating. It doesn’t make sense trying to have a conversation with him, he doesn’t really listen, nor does he answer.   
He finishes his last bite and goes back to his desk, leaving her alone in the kitchen and not having eaten anything.

That is the moment she decides to pack her bags right now and to spend the night in a hotel in DC, not far from the airport. She does not bother to tell him she’s leaving. She is tired, so tired of the same conversation again and again, that he should take his medicine, see a psychologist and work on his medical condition. It was like talking to a stone. She is so sick of it. She closes the door from the outside and carries her bag to the car and leaves the house.


	2. Chapter 2

The flight’s departure this morning is at 11:20 am, what means she could sleep in, well she never sleeps longer than 8am in the morning due to her shift work, and after a long nice shower she has a coffee and some cereals for breakfast in the hotel’s restaurant.

Her phone is blinking. 34 missed calls. 89 messages. She does not answer his calls nor does she read the messages. He needs to learn that he cannot take her for granted.

A few minutes past ten she arrives at the airport. With only a board case and handbag as cabin luggage there was no need to check in anything but herself and that was already done online the evening before.

She meets her colleagues at the gate and decides to make a difference today. Usually she’d say her polite “good morning” combined with a clinical bit of small talk, grab her coffee and seat herself a few rows apart from them. 

Not today. 

Coffee in hand she walks up to the two men of her team and starts a conversation with a friendly “Good Morning, uhm… is this seat free?”   
Dr. Ben Jones and Dr. Sam Winterton looking at her in astonishment for an instant, but happily invite her to join them while waiting for boarding.  
It is no secret at the hospital that everyone was curious who the enigmatic “Dr. Scully really was, except the brilliant medical doctor with a remarkable know how she is at work everyday, never indicating anything about her private life outside the hospital.

“Dr.Scully…” Ben starts when she interrupts him “Dana.” 

“Dana,” Ben continues, “is this your first trip to Montreal, or have you been there before” he carries on with light small talk. 

Hesitating for a short bit, remembering Mulder and her time on the run, after leaving the motel in New Mexico. They stayed in Canada for several weeks before returning back to the States, when the whole situation settled slowly and it wasn’t too dangerous anymore. More precisely they stayed near Montreal, where it was easier to go underground in the masses of a big city.

“No.” she answers pulling out of her thoughts and bringing her mind back to the conversation with Ben. “No, unfortunately I haven’t been to Canada yet, but I’d love to see a bit of the city during the next few days, if there is some time left.”   
“That shouldn’t be a problem, I bet we can arrange something.” Ben counters.

Sam was grinning to himself, he knew that Ben was interested in Dana for a while. She’s a real classy and beautiful woman as well as extraordinary intelligent. And as a bonus she is a mystery. This combination fits perfectly to Ben’s individual dating rules.  
They keep on their casual chat until they arrive at the hotel, which is directly connected with the convention center. After check in Ben offers to carry her luggage to her room, but Scully wouldn’t be Scully if she would let him. She politely tells him that she’s definitely capable of her small suitcase and thanks him.

The conference would not start before Monday morning, so he invites her for dinner tonight and she doesn’t think, she just answers “Yes, why not.”  
“Okay then, see you at the restaurant at 8.”  
She smiles and closes the door behind her, leaning with her back against it. It feels so good to be recognized as a person again. Not only to be ignored or snapped at.

She catches herself an hour later in front of the bathroom mirror, applying her makeup as thoroughly as she hasn’t done it in long while, “uh uh Dana, be careful” she thinks. 

As she enters the restaurant, Ben was already waiting for her sitting in a cozy booth in the back, dressed in casual jeans and a grey t-shirt, she swallows hard the moment she sees him while recognizing his similarity to Mulder. How much she misses him. His old self. Their conversations and their unique connection to each other.

Dinner with Ben is a welcome diversion. He is so attentive, refills her glass, stands up when she leaves the table for a few minutes, let’s her order first but the most important part he makes her laugh. After they both finished their desert she’s feeling a bit tipsy, 3 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon are obviously telling on her. Their work related talk drifted more and more to irrelevant nonsense and they caught themselves light heartedly laughing. 

He walks her to her room, links her arm while they walk down the long corridor. She lets him and to her own surprise, she is absolutely comfortable with him. The moment they reach her room he steps precariously from one foot on the other. Unsure what to do next.  
“So” they both start in unison and smiling a bit awkwardly.  
“Thank you” she finally continues.   
“It was my pleasure, Dana.” beaming at her a bit expectant.  
Uncertain she bites her lower lip and he takes a step in her direction, closing the gap between them and brushing her lips with his without a warning.   
She doesn’t stop him. Instead she responds by kissing him back. Eyes closed. Melting in his arms. As he takes her room key out of her hand to open the door with the intention to continue this evening behind closed doors, she gently takes the card out of his hand and says softly with a smile on her face “See you tomorrow for breakfast, let’s say 7:30?”  
“Oh yes, sure,” he states a bit taken aback and with a hint of disappointment, but not missing the chance to kiss her on the cheek, she pulls him away with a gentle hand on his chest saying “have a good night Ben” turning around, opening and closing the door without looking back at him again.  
The first time in a long very long time she feels alive again and finally able to let her mind think about other topics.   
Her abandoned phone on the nightstand isn't even blinking anymore, the battery is dead and she couldn't care less at the moment and fell asleep in a heartbeat without negative thoughts keeping her awake the whole night.


	3. Chapter 3

The week in Montreal goes by in a rush with recitals, panels, workshops as well as fun evenings with Ben and Sam in the hotel bar with lots of giggles and laughter. She is keeping Ben a bit at arm’s lengths. Even though she admires his interest in her, she is not sure where to go from here. A life without Mulder was difficult or more likely impossible to imagine and she is definitely not sure if it was a good idea to let him kiss her a few days ago. She is still hoping for a change and that she is able to motivate him to finally start with a therapy.

It’s Friday night and their flight will leave early in the morning. They had a tasty dinner and are on their way to the bar, when her phone rings. Before she could say anything she hears him say “Scully... it’s me.”   
“I’ll be back tomorrow around noon...,” she manages to say before Ben calls “Dana we’ll get a table in the bar, see you there.”  
“I see, have fun…” is all she hears before the line goes dead.

Standing there staring paralyzed at her phone she is startled when Ben suddenly speaks to her “Is anything the matter, you look like you’ve seen a ghost..”  
“Sorry, I gotta fly home tonight. I… I can’t stay until tomorrow. I’m sorry.” she says while turning around, walking towards the reception desk to arrange her check out and ordering a cab which should leave in about 30 minutes.

Her suitcase is packed within a few minutes and the flight is booked during the drive to the airport. Luckily there was a chance to fly out to DC this night and it wasn’t fully booked.

When the SUV rolls over the gravel path to their little house her body is tensed completely. Knuckles white holding tight onto steering wheel. 

There is no light to be seen inside, but she knows he never sleeps before the early morning hours, this seems odd. Cautiously she walks up the stairs onto the porch and opens the front door. The whole house is silent. And there is no light shining under his office door.

When her eyes adjust to the darkness she sees him.   
Sitting on the sofa, in the dark.   
Staring at her.   
“Jeez Mulder,” she exhales.   
He doesn’t reply.   
He doesn’t move.   
He just stares at her. 

She switches on the lamp of the kitchen counter to set her luggage aside which she is still carrying, when she turns around he’s right behind her.   
Without any indication he grabs her head with both hands and kisses her hard on her lips, invading her mouth with his is tongue. Exploring her, marking her as if he has never kissed her before. 

When he lets up on her and loosens his grip, she watches him with questioning eyes but he doesn’t say anything, he just keeps staring at her.

“Mulder, I think you got a complete wrong impression…”

“I don’t think so” he answers while taking her wrists, pressing her against the wall behind her, hands squeezed tight in his above her head.

As his eyes finally find hers his facial features softens, but not his grip on her wrists.  
“Scully don’t do this to me” he mumbles while his head moves to the crook of her neck, kissing her and nibbling his way up to her ear.   
“Please don’t leave me.” he whispers the moment he reaches her ear.  
She can’t hold back the tears that are pooling in her eyes and they are streaming down her cheeks. He releases her hands which she brings to both sides of his face, tracing her thump lazily over his cheekbones. 

“I cannot save us Mulder. I need you to help me…!” 

In one swift motion he grabs her by her hips and shoves her up the wall, like some fluses are blown in his head, pressing her against it for balance.

Desperately he savages her mouth again. Searching her tongue like searching for any sign of response. Her sanity tells her to push him away. To stop right here. He is severely depressive and absolutely unpredictable in this moment, but it feels too good to have him this close, that she ignores her inner voice and grips his head even harder and response to his invasion by kissing him back with as much force as he applies on her.  
She tightens her grip around his neck when he starts yanking up her skirt and when his hips make contact with hers she can’t help and lets out a soft moan which leads him to stop, leaning his forehead on hears, panting heavily.  
“I miss you” she whispers and this brings his thoughts back to her.  
“You. Are. Mine.” he repeats while grinding the building bulge in his jeans against her hips again and again. “You. Are. Mine.”

Suddenly he holds her up against the wall with only one strong arm the other hand rips the fly of his jeans open, tears her pantyhose apart and sidelines her panties. Without any warning he buries himself deep inside her, she cries out loud not sure whether it’s pain or surprise.  
He does not give her any time to accustom to him, repeating his earlier phrase he starts fucking her hard against the kitchen wall.

I didn’t take her long until she explodes, seconds after he follows her, holding her tight for a while, before he lets her down on her shaking legs, turns around and vanishes in his office, slamming the door close so hard, that a frame next to the door, crashes to the floor and shatters in thousand pieces.

She slides down the wall onto the floor in shock, tears streaming down her cheeks, unsure what to think about all of this. Bliss and desperation so close to each other…

It is obvious now, she’ll drown with him, if she stays here. It will destroy her, as much as it destroys him. There is no strength, no hand left to hold out to him.   
She needs to leave, and she needs to do it now.

Her suitcase is packed in an instant, her only desire right know is to get out of here.   
If she’s forgotten anything, she’ll buy it, she really doesn’t care about these material things right now.

She leaves him a message on the kitchen table, throws her suitcase into her SUV and leaves their house, not looking back.

"I cannot save us.  
But I love you.  
Please let somebody help you, if you don’t let me.  
S."


	4. Chapter 4

After living in a hotel room for 3 weeks she can finally move into her new apartment, what a relief. It is neither very large nor as cozy as her old apartment back then, but it will be enough for now. She doesn’t plan to make it her home for long.   
There is still hope that she might be able to go back to Mulder, when he makes progress with his therapy. 

Well, he would need to start it first. 

She still has only her suitcase and her handbag, so moving in is done quickly. A few accessories were bought and that needs to be it, for now. “It is just a stopover, until I go back home,” she tells herself over and over again. 

It does not take her long and she falls into a routine of work and sleep. She gets up early in the morning, going for a   
run before work what is serving as a great stress release, returning back home for a shower and then she leaves for work, surgeries, meetings, medical rounds and paperwork, she becomes even more of a workaholic then she has been before, the only reason is to occupy her brain, to keep her busy and not to think about Mulder.  
It is worse at night, when she is alone at home, sitting on her sofa in front of the fire, relishing a glass Cabernet Sauvignon the tears streaming down her cheeks and she is sobbing heavily. They have never been apart for such a long time, she was used having him around for half of her life. But they will never heal if she goes back to him now.

Almost six weeks after moving out she allows herself for the first time a lunch with company. She feels ready for small talk and light conversation, compared to the last weeks where she was already sobbing when the real estate agent had asked her if she was moving in alone or with her husband.   
And after Montreal she believes it was best to keep a little distance between her and Ben, but a lunch with other colleagues couldn’t hurt, right?

“May I join you guys for lunch?” she asks smiling into the group.  
“For sure Dr. Scully!” Ben mockes her with her last name but smiles back at her, sliding a bit to the right, to make some space for her on the bench and in the same moment he puts his arm on the backrest behind her. She considers to say something, but as long as he is not putting his arm around her she is okay with it.  
The lunch gathering is a welcome diversion for her today, not constantly thinking about work or him or how to sort things out, feels good, but suddenly a male figure appears in front of their table in the cafeteria and Ben asks:   
“Sir, can I help you in anyway?”   
“Help me? In the same way you are helping MY WIFE right now?” Mulder responds.   
Right then Scully lifts her head from her lunch plate still grinning over the joke a colleague just made. But her features became serious in an instant and she looks at him with questioning eyes.  
“Is THIS the reason you left me Scully? For HIM?”  
“Mulder no, you got that totally wrong, we just had lunch and…”  
“Don’t jerk me around, Scully. I’m not stupid.”  
“Let us go somewhere and talk, I need to put some things straight.”  
“No need. No need. I’ve seen enough. I expect you won’t come back home. I think I am not needed anymore. The old one is broken, let’s get a new one. Never thought you’d ever behave like this, you disgust me.” he says while turning around and about to leave the hospital.

“Mulder! Wait!” she shouted out, hot tears brimming her eyes.

“Don’t you dare to follow me - ever again.” he says and finally leaves.

Scully slumps on the next free chair, weeping bitterly; she is in shock. Why did he come here? How could her have gotten that impression of her? She hasn’t seen Ben outside of work. To be honest, she never had a real interest in him, but Mulder got it totally wrong.


	5. Chapter 5

She sees no choice then taking the day off and driving out to Farrs Corner. She needs to talk to him and even though they won’t find their back to each other, she needs to make this clear, she did not betray him after she left him. It was just this one evening, this one kiss she regrets bitterly in desperate need to feel anything. While driving out all the way from Washington her thoughts are spiraling and she is not really aware of the traffic on the streets, her car almost driving the route on autopilot.

She puts the gear into park in front of the houses porch and exits the car with precarious steps towards the house. The front door is ajar and she enters their home slowly.  
“  
Mulder?” she calls while walking into the direction of his office with slow steps.

“What do you still want from me?” a voice from directly behind her spats and she turns around in shock exhaling “Jesus Mulder…you scared me. What I still want from you? Seriously?”

“You weren’t interested in me for some time now. Why should that have changed?”

“That’s just plain bullshit and you do know that, Mulder.”

He snorts.

“I left this house, because I can’t watch you anymore ruining your life, my life, our marriage. For fucks sake Mulder you are isolating yourself more and more in this office of yours, shutting me out of your life completely. You are just not caring about us anymore, you just live in your delusional state of depression, letting nobody near you or helping you. Tell me what I can do to help you, to get out of this misery and I do it. Whatever it is, I will do it, when there is the tiniest chance to get you back. To get back the man I fell in love with. To get back this brilliant mind of yours. To get my best friend back, with whom I spent half my life. Tell me Mulder.” she is crying terribly. 

He stares at her, like he has done so often the last month, but this time it looks like a switch has been flicked. There is the tiniest spark of life to be seen in his eyes and he walks hesitantly in her direction.  
“I need you Scully. I cannot live alone, without you. I need you.”

“You need to show me first. I cannot come back and nothing has changed.”

I looks deep into her eyes, lifting his arms to hold her head in his hands, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. Then he starts kissing away her tears, but they continue to stream down her cheeks. He lowers his head seeking her lips for a kiss. She closes her eyes, waiting for him to kiss her, she missed him far too much as to push him away, instead she tilts her head in his direction welcoming his lips and melts into him. Their tongues start duelling each other in a slow starting pace, getting more and more frantic with each moment that passes.  
His hands still on her cheek and hers roaming over his muscular back, searching for the hem of his shirt and pulling it over his head, she is standing right in front of him in awe taking in the beautiful view of his broad chest and still well-toned abdomen. She lifts her head again, looking directly into his eyes and there it is again, their non-verbal communication. He nods silently, lifting her up with his strong arms and carries her upstairs to their bedroom and sets her down carefully onto the long abandoned bed. He used to sleep in his little office since she left him.

He starts to undressing her gently, taking his time. There is no need to rush anything, rather than enjoying the others presents.  
She watches him with dilated eyes, stroking his arms and sides, enjoying the feel of his skin on her palms, sliding to the fly of his jeans and opening the button after button, disposing his jeans and boxers in one swift motion. He steps out of it, laying next to her on the bed. His long elegant fingers tracing a lazy trail from her collarbone down to her hips and up again. Leaning over her, covering her body and supporting his weight with his left hand, taking possession of her mouth stroking her side with his free hand.  
Never losing contact to her mouth he settles in between her thighs, grinding against her and slowly but steadily burying himself deep inside her. She holds him even closer, wrapping her arms around him and interlocking her legs over his hips. They are totally in sync, matching the others movements perfectly until they both reach their climax.

When their panting slowly abates, Mulder rolls off her, settling on his side, pulling her close to him, stroking her back and she snuggles into him, but they don’t talk. Again they just take what they need in their desperation, enjoying each others company until they both fall asleep.

It’s long after midnight, when Scully opens her eyes, needing a few moments to figure out, where she is and the guilt struck her. She shouldn’t have been this weak and let him take her to bed. Even if it was the most beautiful thing she’d experienced in a while, she should have talked to him, convincing him to start a therapy, but she’d made it worse and gave in to his demands.  
Collecting her clothes she makes her way to the bathroom to get dressed again, silently leaving the bedroom. When she reaches the squeaking floor boards in the living room she glances around and sees all those empty or half empty bottles of booze, allocated all over the ground floor, the house is a mess and unfortunately so is he. And it won’t get any better if he does not let anyone help him.

She leaves him another message which almost breaks her heart, but there is no other choice then to confront him with the inevitable:

Dearest,  
as much as I miss you these days,  
what we did last night was wrong.  
We need to be responsible,  
well I needed to be responsible,  
I should have left before it went so far.  
Please don’t contact me again, if you not accepting help.  
D.


	6. Chapter 6

The next weeks are the hardest she ever had to endure. A constant state of waiting. She knows she can’t take the first step in his direction, he has to do it, he has to recognize, that he needs help, everything else would be futile. 

Checking her phone and emails every hour now was way out of the ordinary for her at work, she usually left her phone in her locker and was concentrating on the task at hand. It isn’t easy anyway after the scene Mulder performed during their lunch break a few weeks ago which led her back to their house.  
But there was no message from him during that time and she is worried if she had made the wrong decision to present him with a fait accompli. What if he had harmed himself or had attempt suicide? It was almost impossible to let go of these thoughts, but she has to be strong now if she wants to help him and get back to him one day.

Deep in her thoughts she does not see the blinking of her phone, showing the arrival of a new email, but the buzzing of the phones vibration on her desk pulls her out of her musing.

Dearest Dana, 

I’m having a hard time expressing what I am feeling right now. I miss you so bad it hurts and you almost broke my heart, when you left this night 71 days ago. Yes I’m counting every day I am without you. And it took me quite some time to realise, it wasn’t your fault, that you left. It was mine. I was drowning in my madness, drowning in my maniac idea to save the world. I didn't even know what I was doing in the end. I was ignoring you and I hurt you more than one time.   
I cannot tell you how much I am sorry for doing this to you. By now I do totally understand your reasons for leaving me here, alone. That was the only way for me to realize what I have become.  
I am in therapy now. I sectioned myself into a treatment facility 8 weeks ago. I am taking my meds and I do have a lot of therapy sessions. It will still take me awhile, to get back to myself, but I could not wait any longer to tell you, that I am working on myself, for me, for you and for us of course.   
I miss you Scully. I couldn’t imagine how to go through this hell without the knowledge that I’ll see you again.

Please don’t give up on me.  
M.

Her eyes are brimming with tears, which then roll down her face, she feels so much hope right now and she is so proud of him. He can do it, she is sure, he is finally back on the track and he will make it. And she answers:

Mulder I would never even consider to give up on you.  
S.

From that moment on, he wrote her every day, keeping her updated about his progress, tells her about his therapy sessions, what his plans are for the future.   
It is her highlight everyday, and she is kind of celebrating the moment she is reading his email. Most of the time in the evening in front of her fireplace with glass of wine, going through his mail several times, smiling at the knowledge, that he’s doing so much better.

Today was a long day in the hospital with three small surgeries a lot of meetings and she just wants to go home and read Mulders mail he sent her during the day, but she can’t stand the anticipation today and opens it on her phone. Her heart was racing like crazy every time she reads something new from him.

Hey Scully, 

this is my 365th email in a row, I am going to be discharged tomorrow, I can’t believe I spent a whole year in this clinic. I don’t know what else to say then thank you for pushing me in this direction. I cannot wait to see you again. Would you go out with me for dinner tomorrow night? It would be my biggest wish to see you and to celebrate this achievement with you.

Just come to our favourite Italian Restaurant tomorrow night, 8pm.  
M.

The moment she finishes reading her heart skips a beat. She hasn’t seen him over a year now. Sometimes she wasn’t sure how she survived this time, but reading this invitation it seems all worth the wait. Of course she will have dinner with him tomorrow. But first she needs to get something wear tomorrow!

She changes into her private clothes quickly and rushes to her car in the parking garage, heading to the near mall.  
It doesn’t take her long and she finds what she was searching for: a dark green dress which underlines her eyes and hair in a great way, it has no sleeves and a V-neck and was knee length combined with suitably black high heels and a black bolero she thinks she’s done with her shopping until she sees the Victoria’s Secret store on the other side of the mall while she was checking out.  
She doesn’t want to exaggerate, it was their first evening together in a very long time, but she knows what he likes and she needs new underwear anyway, grinning to herself she went directly for a black chantilly lace combination and with this purchase she has everything she needs for the upcoming dinner with Mulder.  
She feels like a teenager thinking about their date. She almost is not even able to sleep, tossing from side to side, going through every minute of their possible dinner in her head.

Time seems to stand still at work the whole day, meeting in meeting out, she isn’t able to concentrate, checking her phone every few minutes for a new message from him, but there is nothing. 

When the end of her shift finally comes up she showers and changes at work, putting on some makeup and leaves the hospital at 7:30pm. 

God she is nervous.   
The drive to the restaurant luckily is quick and she is sitting in her car in the parking lot in front of the restaurant, trying to calm herself down.

She enters the restaurant and it is looks still all the same as in her memory, they have been here very often in the past, he took her out for dinner after work so many times, before everything went downhill.

And then she sees him, in the back of the restaurant, dressed in a new suite, with a fresh haircut, shaved and the most important thing, he is smiling towards her while he is walking in her direction, taking her hand admiring her from head to toe and then he takes her in his arms. Holding her tight to him and it feels like an eternity until they part and sit down on their chairs. They both cannot believe that they made it through all this pain. But they promise each other to make a new start, to not look back from now on.


End file.
